


The Rate of Inflation

by Soulstarsinger (soulstar)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, Episode Tag, Episode: s05e01 Buffy vs Dracula, Gen, Humor, Repaying Debt, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-06
Updated: 2000-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-08 14:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1945113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulstar/pseuds/Soulstarsinger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After hearing that Dracula's in town, Spike decides he could do with collecting the £11 that Dracula owes him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rate of Inflation

**Author's Note:**

> Er... sorry if I've totally overdone the Dracula accent. ;-) And many thanks to cHarley for the beta-ing.  
> DISCLAIMER: All things Spike-y and BtVS-esque belong to Joss, The WB, and Fox, etc. So not mine, 'k?

Spike whistled softly to himself as he strolled through town, heading in the general direction of the curious black cloud that hung over an area to the north west. Yep, it'd been a pretty productive night so far. Bit of breaking and entering, always fun.... fair enough, there was some tedious reading, but what did you expect from a reference library anyway. And if all went according to plan, it'd all be worth it..... There was a definite bounce in his step as he continued along on his way.

*****

"Isn't that Spike over there?" Anya asked Xander as they made their way home from the late night showing of a "French Art" film that she'd told Xander they could benefit from.

"Looks like.... but he's looking a little, well, chirpy. You don't think he's got his chip out and gone back to his old evil, murdering, bloodsucking ways, do you?"

"I don't know. Shall we go and ask him?" Anya made to cross the street, but Xander grabbed her arm and dragged her back.

"An, no! I _really_ don't think that'd be the best idea.... y'know, just in case."

"Oh.... well, OK then." she smiled coyly up at him and ran a finger down his arm. "After all, I guess trying out some of those things we learned tonight _would_ be more interesting...."

Xander's eyes bugged slightly. "Oh yeah. Let's go."

*****

Spike buttoned his coat securely, turned up his collar, and marched across the road into the torrential rain that started abruptly on the other side.

"My, my, someone's in a bad mood." He muttered, then snorted to himself and continued on his way.

As he made his way up the short hill to the ominously looming castle, the already muddy ground became increasingly boggy. He didn't let that daunt him, though. He had more important things to think about tonight than the state of his boots. Not that that bothered him much ordinarily....

Eventually, he waded his way to the front of the castle. The great door swung open, apparently of its own accord, creaking noisily. Spike entered, shaking water off of himself onto the floor.

"Nice weather we're having." He remarked loudly to the hallway in general. He got no reply, so he snagged one of the flaming torches from the wall and marched off down the nearest corridor. He hadn't gone far when a movement caught his eye. Pulling back a velvet wall hanging, he discovered one of the beautiful three sisters. She smiled at him and licked her lips provocatively.

"Well hello, pet." Spike grinned. "Long time no see. Where are your sisters?"

"Right there." She purred, as the other two draped themselves over Spike, running their hands up and down his chest. "Now, why don't we get you out of these wet things..."

*****

Some while later, Spike was again making his way (albeit more jauntily) through the castle corridors. He paused, looked around himself, then took a door to his right, arriving in the Great Hall.

"Alright Drac, you old pansy, show yourself!"

A sudden swirl of mist materialised into a scowling Dracula. "Spike." He greeted curtly. "I should haff known zee sisters vould not distract you for long."

"Yeah, well." Spike shrugged and smirked. "And I see you haven't changed your little act at all." He strolled around the room, examining the furniture and hangings. "Ever thought of trying to show a bit of modernisation?"

"Live in a mouldy crypt with a broken Tee-fee, you mean?" Dracula sneered

"Hey, it's home. But I didn't come here to trade insults. Or not just to trade insults, anyway."

"Vat do you vant?"

Spike hopped up onto the long table, swinging his legs beneath him. "What I 'vant', me old mate, is for you to cast your mind back a few years to about, oh, 1895. D'you remember a little wager we made?"

"No, I do not." Dracula looked him directly in the eye "And neither do you..."

"Oh come on. No use trying that hypno-crap on me, you should know that."

Dracula scowled harder. "Oh, as you vish. You are, I tek it, speaking of zee time I bet you ten guineas zat I would seduce and turn a certain young lady?"

"That's the one. And I was pretty sure you'd screw up, so I upped the bet to a princely eleven quid. And I won! Little Miss Mina Murrey not only evaded you, but she got you dusted! Totally cracked me 'n' Dru up when we heard."

"Ah, zee lovely Drusilla. And vere is she?"

Spike gave Dracula an evil look. "We're on a break. But we were talking about you... and my winnings."

"But, my old friend, you did not vin. Miss Mina vas mine. Only zee interference of Van Helsing, and zee irritating Mr Harker thwarted my plan." Dracula finished on an angry hiss.

"Yeah, yeah, and then they wrote a book and made you famous. So stop complaining - you did pretty well out of it. I mean, where's 'The Unlife and Times of William the Bloody'? Eh? But anyway, the bet was to turn the chit, and I don't see her around anywhere, do you? Nope, she's nothing but a big pile of bones now. So hand over the cash!"

Dracula rolled his eyes. "Ach, very well, I giff in. You won zee bet. But I will haff to pay you in American dollars."

"Fine by me." Spike smirked triumphantly as Dracula reached for his wallet. "Ah, ah, ah!" He produced a sheet of paper from his coat pocket. "Hold your horses, there! I haven't told you the total yet."

"Total?!"

"Uh, well, yeah. Surely you don't think I'd forget about a little thing like a hundred and five years worth of interest, do you?"

The other vampire rolled his eyes. "Knowink you, no."

"And of course, there's the rate of inflation."

Dracula went a slightly greener shade of pale. "So, vot exactly is zis total of yours?"

"Six thousand, two hundred and eighty-one quid, ninety-four p. So let's call it... oh, about nine-and-a-half thousand bucks."

Dracula blinked. "Bugger zat!" he announced, and with a _whoomph!_ turned himself into a bat and made to fly out of the nearest window.

"Oh no you don't!" In a virtuoso move, Spike whipped off his duster and flung it in the air, catching the bat and bringing it to the ground. "Now," Spike addressed the small twitching duster-covered lump, positioning his boot carefully over it. "hand over my cash, or I'll smash your little rodent-y head in. It might not kill you but it'll hurt like hell and take you months to recover from. If it doesn't leave you a vegetable for all eternity, that is," he added thoughtfully. "So, what's it to be?"

The shape under the duster slowly morphed back into full-size Dracula, and Spike repositioned his boot so that it was planted firmly in the other vampire's throat. Dracula tried to speak, discovered his airways were being blocked, and made a rude gesture to Spike, who just grinned back. Finally, he relented and removed the boot.

"OK, OK." Dracula croaked. "You haff made your point! I pay you zee money."

"Good choice. Cash would be nice, but if you don't have it to hand we can always do it by internet."

Dracula looked blank. "Vat is zis eeeenter-net?"

Spike snorted. "Pull the other one! I know damn well you've got high-tech stuff hidden away behind all this medieval crap. You never could resist the latest gadgets."

Dracula pulled himself upright, and muttering what were clearly some choice insults in his mother tongue, stalked to a curtained doorway. Spike followed him, and discovered that behind the curtain was an ultra-modern office, complete with computer. Spike watched as Dracula accessed his bank account, only frowning slightly when he didn't quite catch the password. And just a few minutes later, $8,500 was transferred into Spike's account. He raised an eyebrow.

"And where's the other grand, mate?" Expressionlessly, Dracula dug inside his jacket and pulled out a roll of notes, which he slapped into Spike's waiting hand.

"You do not haff to count it!" He snapped, as Spike began to do just that. "I honour my debts."

"Yeah, yeah. But I think I'll just check it anyway."

As soon as he'd finished, Dracula began to herd him towards the door.

"Vell, I hope you are satisfied! First zee Slayer resisted me and staked me, and now you relieve me of my money. Ach, I shall be glad to get out of zis hell-hole."

"Yep, I'll be glad to see the last of you, too." Spike agreed cheerfully. "And speaking of which, there is one last thing you could do..."

"Vat now?"

Spike spun around, and plunged the stake he'd had hidden in his coat into Dracula's heart, then burst out laughing at the look of shock and horror on the other vampire's dissolving face.

"Oh, don't take it personally." He cast back over his shoulder at the remaining pile of dust as he began to make his way back down the hill. "After all, it's not like it'll kill you."

A few minutes later, the pile of dust re-materialised into a gloomy looking Dracula, sitting on the doorstep.

"I really hate zis town." He muttered to himself, then raised his voice to yell after Spike. "Screw you! I'm goink home!"

END


End file.
